Sunday, 25 March 2012

breaking free

assalamualaikum :)

hari ni bermula dengan tak berapa bagus, i got a migraine attack this morning. i bashed my head for several times tadi, now rse mcm kepala sakit mcm nak benjol. huu. last night was horrible. i dreamt of something that hurts me very deep, until u know what, as i woke up, i felt tears on my cheeks.

sigh.

like seriously, i dunno whats wrong with myself lately. i easily get annoyed, im not in the mood of talking that much. i easily get offended. im lazy. okay, lazy isnt occasionally lah, even mood okay pun im always lazy :P my emotions is going down steeply, and staying at the lowest of it.

dear blog, can i just spill it out here? tataulah, even skrg ni, banyak sangat rasa yang terperuk dalam hati. not that i didnt try to find someone to share, but entah, bile dah whatsapp, bbm atau nak ajak org tuh berborak, tiba-tiba jadi mcm wordless. last2 terus tak cite, and yes, again, terperuk lagi dalam. so rsenye, betterlah saya tulis kat sini, to those who care about this stupid feelings, can continue reading, but mind you, bukan saya nak raise up your sympathy, but just simply because i need to let it out, to those who cares and mahu memahami. enough with just being understanding. and if you dont like it, i dont mind if you wanna leave, but please come again, after this nnt i planned to write about my crazy siblings :)

first, about myself. one thing that i really hate about myself is that, saya ni seorang yang sangat transparent. kalau saya sedih, orang boleh tau saya sedih. and if saya sgt happy, semua orang boleh tau saya sgt happy. and the fact that, i just love to share all the feelings that i own tuh dgn everybody, until to certain things that i thought wasnt that nice to be told to everybody, saya akan terbtau jugak. cane yeh? for instance, psl perasaan sy. yang kecewa, sedih kununnya. i know, i shud act strong, not to really show that i was so much affected by it, and demi Allah, ive tried to hide it deep down in this heart, but at last, x tahan sgt, i started to post some sad songs here. and mcm urgh, okay, somehow a bit org dah dpt tgkap, oh yana x get over it lagi.

:(

tak sukelah, serious. mcm skrg ni yg sy tgh buat, sebenarnya sy x suke, tapi saya dah lama sgt pendam, try to act strong, tapi entah, tgkla, it hurts me, makan dalam gile bile simpan lama2. yang lagi teruk skang ni, saya mcm dah susah nak cerita kat org personally, and i find comfort in writing it. *facepalm* certain org mesti akan rse saya try nak raise up sympathy, but tell u what, saya sebenarnya benci bile org simpati kat saya. care and simpati is due menda yang sgt berbeza. i can detect it by the way u respond to me. ala, nape ni yana, nape nape? hmm.

second, walaupun saya ckp saya transparent, tapi ade exception to perasaan marah. i cant really show yang saya marah. mcm to certain things, yang saya rasa saya dah dibackstabbed, i just cant be mad. mcm mana eh nak ckp? erm, kdg2 bagi sy, i just have to have a lil bit of perasaan dendam, so that i wont fall to the same trap twice. but sadly, apa yang saya rse sndr, saya rse sy tade. tho i know that person cerita buruk psl sy, putarbelitkan ape yang saya cakap, but the moment that person dtg balik kunun nak berborak ke ape, still saya akan treat nicely, mcm seolah2 die tak pernah buat apa2. kan x bagus mcm tuh :( nanti kena pijak2, sbb nanti saya yang akan hurt again2, sbb rse dah layan baik2 dah, nape ko wat camni. haa. okay bukan perasaan dendam kot yang betul, mcm perasaan berjaga2. tuh lebih betul kot.

and entah, saya mcm banyak x puas hati dengan sendiri. banyak sgt menda yang sy rse x elok ada dlm diri sy ni. saya suka tgk perempuan yang sgt tinggi spiritualnya. yang sgt tegas. yang sangat firm. saya suka! sbb saya tak. hati saya cepat menangis, cepat lembik, cepat tersentuh. sape yang rapat dengan saya, sume org akan sdr dgn menda ni. when i love, i love too much, when im sad, im being sad too much, when i cried, i cry too much. kalo happy too much pun sakit gak, sbb at the end of the day, saya mesti menangis.

i just have to learn to control my emotions lah. shudnt talk that much, shudnt show that much kan. tp bila menda tuh dah memang diri saya, susah sgt nak hide. ade pernah saya mengadu to a friend, she said :

"yana, dah bape lama aku kenal ko, ko dah memang org yang mcm tuh and we love you sbb perangai ko yang mcm tuh. why shud u change yourself to be someone yang bukan you yourself. u gonna hurt yourself taw bila u being hypocrite to yourself. sakit nnt hati yang dah sedia lembut tuh. mcm lah aku tatau, nnt mulalah kau menangis, sampai basah bantal. aku tau kdg2 ko rse mcm banyak sgt ujian dapat kat ko, and aku x nafikan, disebabkan hati kau yang sayang terlalu banyak pd org, kau selalu diuji dengan orang2 yang kau sayang. family, lover, friends ape sume. tapi sbb Allah tau, wpun ko diuji dengan mcm2, kena backstabbed ape sume, tp sbb hati kau yang lembut tuh, Allah tau kau akan still treat org elok2 and forget about menda tuh. tak sume org boleh wat cmtuh taw, itu satu keistimewaan, bukannya keburukan.."

and she hugged me lepas tuh. memang banjir ah. basah baju dia. huu.

tatau, tatau nak ckp :( i tried okay, nak pandang semua menda dr segi positive side, sbb memang itu yang sy tengah buat skrg, tapi mesti ade one time, saya tergelincir, dan saya akan sedih. saya boleh senyum spnjg hari sdgkan dalam hati saya menangis sekuat-kuatnya. saya bleh mengalah dengan apa saja, tapi just please jgn ambil kesempatan terhadap saya. sy boleh maafkan ape saja, tapi tolonglah, jgn main-mainkan saya. saya letih. please faham please. saya taknak keraskan hati saya, sebab once bila hati saya keras, saya akan jadi seorang yang sgt kasar. 

sbb tuh skrg, sy banyak diam, sy set myself alone. bukan sbb ape, sbb sy salu rse i lost myself all of sudden. saya diam dr org2 yang tanya, saya senyap, sbb saya tatau sy nak cerita apa. kalau ade depan mata, sy hanya boleh nangis je depan awak, dan fhmlah ape yang saya rse, dr tangisan tuh. i tried real hard to act strong, tp susah bile hati sendiri ni memang jenis lembik, suka dimanjakan ape sume. eii, benci.

sorry, banyak sgt saya spill out. in spite of advices from friend, skrg i find peace and comfort jugak by reading inspiring posts by yasmin mogahed, surely korang tau kan? hati yang kacau ni, selalu jadi tenang, bila solat. betapa selalunya jiwa saya kacau, sampaikan skrg, sy selalu ternanti2 waktu solat. nak cepat2, nak duduk dengan Dia. to be honest lah, dulu sy adalah org yang salu melambatkan solat, tapi skrg sy ngah cuba ubah, sbb pelan2 saya rse sy dpt kemanisan dalam setiap sujud tuh. org lain mesti dah lama rasa kan, tapi at least sy bersyukur, skrg a bit saya dah rasa :) 

dahla, makin mengarut dah post ni. semua ni ikhlas dari hati saya. saya betul2 tgh lost in translation. u mite see me smiling, but u mite not have the idea what is there behind that smile. sorry if sy fragile sgt lately ni, i act weirdly, i lock myself alot in my room ke ape, cos now, i just need time to gather back myself. ill be fine insya Allah, please dont let me be alone, saya bukanlah seorang yang sgt firm ke ape, sy sgt bergantung pd family and my friends. hold me if u see me is about to fall. 

seriously, sorry, kalau ada yang menyampah ke ape, rse sy exposed too much ke ape, tapi rsenye tape kot, this is my blog, and saya dah ckp awal2  tadi, sy faham if u wanna leave. but to those yang feel me, i appreciate it so much, how i wish u guys are here :'(

hmm. sorry to spoil ur sunday with this entry. my head starts aching. laptop nye radiation perhaps. take care people, wish u have superb sunday :)

much love.

1 comment:

.nana. said...

panjangnyeeeee :'( may ALLAH grants you with calmness and strength dear sis..gotta be faithful reader here..